I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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