Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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