You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
