Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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