i used baking grease as lip gloss
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just want to make out with him forever
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
