my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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