I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We are all done wearing pants today
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
