I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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