You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
