OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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