I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
