Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
