I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
