Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
