I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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