while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
