Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
