he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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