Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
