Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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