Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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