we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
