I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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