I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
