Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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