I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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