I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
