you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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