Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
