i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is Oprah even human
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
