I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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