I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
