we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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