quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
