found the other keg... it's in the tree
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
