Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
