I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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