Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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