i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
