booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
