I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
