New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
