sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
