Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
