sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
