Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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