This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
