woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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