I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
