imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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