All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
