I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
