why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
