yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
