Apparently you make a good broom.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
