i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
