i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
