So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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